I am starting a series of shared universe alternate history stories dealing with a stronger Native American Union. Most of native peoples have moved west of the Mississippi River which is the border between the "500" nations (tribes) of the Indians and the United States. This division occurs in the early 1835 thereby eliminating the Battle of the Alamo. Interested writers may e-mail me at ladycatexcel@gmail.com

Praying that God will make 2013 a better year for me. I lost 5 friends this past year. Four due to us going our separate ways since our ideologies were opposites. And my life companion Alanna who took her own life on Aug. 3,2012.
I miss her very much.

Strength to Go On.

My faith gives me the strength to live with the reality of Alanna's death. If I did not have the hope of a better future, I would have joined her. But I have a new life again which does not include my beloved. She did not have a strong faith. That is why she is gone.

Jessica Sideways is a sad pathetic person who no one likes because she is so hate filled. She is obsessed with me. I would say she is a stalker, a predator seeking to destroy me with her hate filled words.  I do not fear her.
I feel sorry for her I hope she gets into therapy before for does real harm to others or herself.

Hope versus Hopelessness

Hope is taking your next breath
Even if it is painful.

Hope is waking up every day
Even if your life is full of pain.

Hope is eating a meal
Even if the only thing you have is ramen noodles

Hope is taking a shower/bath
Even if you have bo where to go.

Hope is putting one foot in front of the other
Even if it is painful to do so.

Hope is facing each day without your life partner
Who committed suicide.

Hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ. my Saviour.
He gives me the strength to go on living.

I'd rather have the hope of faith

Than to be without hope

Crowleyanity versus Christianity

Aliester Crowley was a self-confessed Satanist and occultist born in 1875 to 1947. He called himself The Beast (a reference to the Biblical Anti-Christ) and 666. He was also a drug addict .

He was raised in a Christian home but by his teenage years his change was beginning.

His philosophy was "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole law." Crowley wanted to destroy Christianity and replace it with his own. He bought a house in Italy which he called the Abbey of Thelema in 1920. Reported activities at this Abbey were so vile (forced homosexuality, paedophilia, cannibalism and and child sacrifice and drug use) caused Mussolini (a monster in his own life) to expell him in 1923.

I will not go further into this, but the reader can get the book Prophet of Evil by William Ramsey for a detailed account of this man's life and legacy.

And this is the man Jessica Sideways is following calling herself a "Thelemite".

Under Crowleyanity the attacks of Jessica on me and my late partner would have resulted in my going to prison for the murder of Jessica.

Under Christianity,(which has the belief in Do not murder) I am to leave her alone and pray for her soul. Under a Christian belief system I am to suppress my rage and anger and let God deal with her.

Jessica can be thankful that I am "delusional" about God for it keeps me on the right side of the law.

She can do what she wants as long as she does nothing to harm me any further than she already has.

As for me I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

 Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

 The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.


Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

 Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

Faith in Christ versus Atheism

During the time of sleeplessness in dealing with Alanna's suicide I spent time praying.
While praying the Holy Spirit brought the name of Horatio Spafford to mind.

Horatio Spafford was a 43 year old lawyer. He lived in a north side suburb of Chicago with his wife and four children.

In 1871, his only son died.

A few months later, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 consumed Spafford's real estate investments. He lost his entire life savings.

Two years later, Spafford and his family decided to take a vacation to Europe. Spafford was delayed by last minute business.

He sent his wife and four daughters on the SS Ville du Havre as scheduled, promising to follow in a few days.

On November 22 1873, the ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel, and it sank in twelve minutes. 226 people lost their lives,including Spafford's daughthers.

When the survivors of the shipwreck landed in Europe, Spafford's wife Anna cabled her husband, "Saved alone. What shall I do?

Spafford immediately left Chicago to bring his wife home.

In the midst of his sorrow,he requested that the captain sail near the place of his daughters death, which was granted. There he wrote the words that became the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul"

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
 when sorrows like sea billows roll; 
 whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
 It is well, it is well with my soul. 
Refrain:
 It is well with my soul, 
 it is well, it is well with my soul. 

2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, 
 let this blest assurance control, 
 that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, 
 and hath shed his own blood for my soul. 
 (Refrain) 

3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! 
 My sin, not in part but the whole, 
 is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
 praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 
 (Refrain) 

4. And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
 the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
 the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
 even so, it is well with my soul. 
 (Refrain) 

---

In spite of their tragedy, in 1881, the Spaffords moved to Jerusalem to meet the needs of the Muslim and Jewish communities there as missionaries.


We sang this song in church last Sunday. I have known the history so the song has only held a special place in my heart. I found a youtube video of the song with the Spafford story.

This song written by what Jessica Sideways calls a delusional person gives me peace in this troubled time in my life.

What does this atheist non-faith offer me for peace and comfort?

NOTHING.

If I am delusional.... GOOD!!!

Belief in the reality of Christ is what will get me through this time of sorrow.

Bronx cheer to Jessica

Second tragedy of the day

At 10:30 tonight I realised that there was an unusually large number of insulin needles in the trash so I opened Alanna's computer and found this note:

why did i die?

i died for the hope that Godwhy did i die?

i died for the hope that God gives me: hope for heaven, hope for a celestial body that is free of infirmity and pain (and is female), hope that my asperger-limited mind will be freed, hope that this miserable and meaningless life will be traded in for an eternity of joy and thanksgiving and praise (for Him) in the arms of the almighty and loving God.

"He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this

world shall keep it unto life eternal." - John 12:25

i admit, faith has always been hard for me, but i've always held out at the hope that the scriptures give me. quite frankly, even if what awaits me is oblivion, i will still be in a better place and state.

while i understand that for many there will be grief at my passing, please try to understand that for me this will be a joyous passing, and that i really will be in a better place.

if you think "she didn't give any warning signs", well duh, i'm too smart to do that. for your next question, i've been wanting to die for a while now, at least since my "leg attack" in march of '10 (if not before). i didn't want to turn 40, but that happened anyway. since then, i've had two more unwanted birthdays, which only served to slowly strengthen my resolve.

the world of medicine has inadvertantly given me excesses of insulin and tramadol, a blessing with which i can execute my final exit from this life without endangering others (i had briefly considered killing myself in an explosion using my oxygen bottles, but i realized the harm to others and the property damage it would cause).

anyhoo, what happens to my earthly things doesn't matter.

that is all.

@-}-- alannawhy did i die? 

I loved  Alanna as much as if I were married to her. We were never romantic but we were life partners. The pain I feel has been increased but my resolve to help others has also increased. I now plan to join a suicide prevention hotline group.